We took a quick trip to Lowes this afternoon. Well, as quick a trip as possible with children involved. It was late, approaching bedtime and my kids were wired for crazy. They invented a new form of floor skating using speed and flip flops. Fortunately, the store was pretty empty because keeping them under control was nearly impossible.

Amazingly, an employee asked us if we needed any help and she quickly escorted my husband to the aisle containing the side paneling he needed to patch up the hole he had to tear into the side of the bathroom cabinet the other morning before work. Now why would a sane man do something like that just before heading to work? To remove the snake who had wedged himself between the wall and the cabinet of course!

And while we looked at cabinet panels my children proceeded to skid their hands and bodies across the store flooring coming up with filthy dirt laden hands which my daughter proceeded to lick off!!!! Can you say insta vomit?! YUCK!!

And that’s when the store employee expressed her relief that her girls were gladly grown and out of her house and that she couldn’t wait for the moment of them leaving to come while she was raising them.

I started to agree with her and then I had a reality check and stopped. That was NOT my take on childhood. Not at all. My kids drive me crazy. Insane. To tears. But I in no way am in any hurry to rush them to grow up and get out. And that is what I told her. That they are my littles and that I only get them little once and for even in the midst of flip flop floor skating, tool tag in Lowes and licking filth covered hands, I am in no hurry to leave this world of raising small children behind.

I enjoy my children. I treasure them. And it pains me to know that I will never have an infant or a toddler or even a four year old again in my life. Yes, there will be granbabies I’m sure it will be great, but my children are my little people and they are literally growing up in front of me every single day. I treasure them and I miss them when I think about the future when they are gone.

I am not capable of enjoying every moment with my children. I recently read a blog post releasing mothers of the guilt of not enjoying every moment of their children’s lives. I know some people are wired to love it all. And those people have 20 kids and drive them around in a bus and never travel because they are paying too much gas money to drive the kids around in that bus. That is just not me. I’m a 2 kid max type of mom. The thought of another makes me want to run screaming for the hills! But I am well suited to the ones I have. As crazy as they are and as hectic as my little boogers make my life, I cannot imagine a day without them. And I struggle daily knowing that time is moving very fast.

I just enrolled Mickey into Kindergarten and Jonah will be moving on to 2nd grade next year!  Where or where has all of the time gone?! Just a few short years ago almost to the day, (May 1st 2006) I told my husband that we were expecting our first. And now look at where we are. In only 3 short years I’ll have a child in the double digits! That’s just not fair.

It was obvious that I had to develop a coping mechanism for the grief that I experience when I quietly think about my children and how soon they will be children no more. And so, I am slowly coming to terms with reality.

I first tell myself that this life they live belongs to them and much like myself, growing up and becoming myself was glorious. I in no way want to hold my children back from their futures. They are happy to grow older. They embrace the change and for their sakes, I will embrace the change as well.

I have also decided that as they get older and their interests change, so will my traditions with them. My kids probably have 3 maybe 4 Christmas mornings left where they will actually want to receive toys for presents. The wonder on their little faces on Christmas morning will soon change from excitement to knowledgeable expectation and their desire for noisy toys will be replaced with Ipods and phones that make noise and gift certificates to their favorite stores. And to that I choose to cope by allowing them to enjoy their gadgets just as they enjoyed their toys not too long ago. And as they change, I hope to instill new traditions that fit their age and maturity such as volunteering to help a needy family or selling trinkets at a Holiday Bazaar. Christmas as I know it will be different, but it can grow into a more meaningful and rich experience. Change is so hard, but it has purpose.

I believe another way that I have learned to cope with my kiddos growing older has been to discover what fulfills me. I cannot spend my days living vicariously through the lives of anyone, let alone my children. I think so often, parents get so wrapped up into what their kids are doing that they feel lost when it comes to themselves personally. Fortunately, I have an artistic nature that is too stubborn to stay locked away. Regardless of the hectic chaos that I call my life, I have managed to develop and run a booming business that thrives off of my talent and creativity. Daily, I am able to express my artistic side in my job and because of that, I feel fulfilled. My work is separate from being a mom. It is all me and my business has been very successful, which has given me a confidence in myself that was not there before. When I’m creating, I am more than a mom or a wife or a housekeeper. I am an artist and an individual. And that sense of who I am is crucial for me to exist independently of my children.

The hardest part of change is… change. It’s uncomfortable and with children it happens so quickly that it rips your heart out, but at the same time fills it back up with more joy. The joy of seeing my little boy mature and hold friendships and the joy of seeing my little girl spend the day at school instead of clutched to my side. I do not change easily. I like the same burger every time I go to Jaspers, the same type of jeans that fit comphey, the same routine.

But change is inevitable and necessary and no one can stop time.

Mickey has told me a few times, ‘Mommy, you’re going to be so much happier when Jonah and I grow up and leave your house. It will be quiet and not messy and you can sleep in more.” And my response to her has always been a chuckle, and then a reality check. “No Mickey, I don’t want you to grow up too fast. I am going to miss you being little so much when you are older. I want to enjoy you for a little longer if that’s okay with you.”

Raising children is hard. I suppose I do give off the impression that I can handle no more and I do often ask for quiet time. But that’s an expression of the moment. I would not change being the mom of Jonah and Mickey for anything and I would gladly slow time to spend more moments with them when they are small. I have found that if I keep looking at my children as who they are right now, and don’t focus too much on who they were and what I’ve lost, I am able to smile and be content with what I’ve gained and enjoy what is to come.

~Tracy