My brain and my heart have been working overtime over these past few months. Lots of distractions like work, kids and all of those darn pets have been a good way to not think about it, but in the back of my mind there are unsettled feelings that I keep trying to push back into some little crevice that I can access at a more convenient time. I’m not a trained blogger. What I do is more documentation and a thought and emotional release. I suppose that’s why many of my posts come across as emotional and I ‘make people cry.’ Well, that’s not my intention. In fact, I live most of my life with an abounding internal joy and peace. One of my spiritual gifts is faith and I believe I exercise this on a daily basis.

Tonight I wrote a journal entry, but debated posting it. You see, when I write, the words flow out of me. I rarely know what I am typing and once they are written I cannot go back into my head and find them again. My thoughts are personal and to me very real. But to an onlooker, especially to someone who doesn’t have the same beliefs as I do, I am often concerned that I’ll offend or ruin a friendship. I am in no way judging anyone at any time. My heart is open to anyone who will call me a friend and even to others who do not care for my company. Tonight, I had a powerful urge to write and I spent the whole time typing with tears streaming down my face because of the intensity and that I believed every single word that I wrote.

So, I decided that I’d go ahead and post what I wrote because honestly, I believe that is why God gave me the words. My thoughts are raw, but honest. My motivation is love and my focus is on my relationship with God and who He created me to be. I cast no judgment.

Tonight I watched the movie “Lucy”. I found it to be entertaining, a little thought provoking, but lacking in content and cleverness. That’s okay. It had Scarlett Johansson and that’s all my hubby really wanted to see anyway right?

In the movie Lucy gains (through the aid of a synthetic super drug) gene altering abilities to access her entire brain. The plot is about her transformation from a physical being to infinite cells and matter. Interesting, I agree. And it does get me to thinking. But not on a super hero genius brain level. More so on a God and why am I here level.

I know my existence (and every living soul for that matter) is intended for God’s purpose. I know that I have been created for God and by God and that His perfect will is that I ask, listen and obey Him in every way. For that I am grateful!

The scholar in the movie (played by Morgan Freeman) states that humans have worked so hard at setting themselves apart from other organisms by creating many different forms of things to make us more powerful and that we have become obsessed more or less with building our importance based on what we can gain… aka stuff. He who has the most toys wins? Something like that. But it’s our stuff that defines us and when we focus so hard on what material gain we can achieve we strip ourselves of life and idea of living for the fact that we simply exist. We live to gain, instead of living to live.

I hate to think that I exist because of WalMart! That my next breath is based on what new material thing I can bring into my life. Even knowledge through technology has become a defining part of our existence as human beings. We have become so entranced in our inventions, conveniences and easy access to information that we have degraded ourselves on a personal level. We are unraveling as individuals as well as a society. We have lost touch with the core of what it is to be human. We are blinded by our own folly. And the Bible says these things over and over again. God warns us over and over about the sensual effects of human nature. The lies that we weave ourselves into because of greed and the illusion of power. It is a sickness of the soul and only something God, the great healer can alleviate.

I have had God in my heart since I was five years old. Asking Jesus to be my savior was a very real and simple moment for me. I have known the power and guidance of the Holy Spirit in my life for almost forty years. One thing I have been aware of all of my life is the power that resides inside of me. And as I get older and mature in my relationship with the Lord, I feel such a burden for people as individuals and for society as a whole. We are a mess. Like a wad of fine string that’s all tangled up and only inseparable by cutting the strands or by taking a lot of time to carefully unravel all of the tiny knots. God does both. He makes cuts where they are needed and takes time to carefully unravel and untie one messed up knot at a time. And He does this motivated purely by love. And He uses ordinary people to carry out His will and to be His servants and facilitators of His presence.

Bam! That’s it. That’s what Lucy was missing. She accessed all of her brain. She became more evolved. She didn’t care about material gain. She didn’t let anything get in her way. She focused on spreading her knowledge and building a super computer and gave Morgan Freeman the key so that he could learn her secrets. Bam! Super power! But she didn’t really win anything according to me. Even though she reached super nova status and became her own god in a way, she completely missed the point just like the rest of us. She missed God. She missed her creator. The one who conceived her conscientiousness, wove her cells together in her mother’s womb, the one who knows her every thought and the one who loves her beyond measure. She may have gained the world’s version of all knowledgeable, but she didn’t achieve knowledge of what matters. The living, breathing God. God is what was and is and what is to come. He’s everything before, behind, above, below, beside, around and inside. God holds this all together because He created it and has a plan for all of it.

I don’t crave super nova god-like status. I don’t crave large amounts of knowledge. I would like to travel more… But seriously, my heart is back at the basics. To know God, to love God and be loved by him. And to carry out the mission of His heart which is to be a vessel in which He shows unhindered love to many, many others.

My journey to self awareness begins on my knees. It begins with humility and a willing heart. When this all fades away what is left is me kneeling in front of a holy God who is the only one deserving of all of my praise. I will give Him all my worship. I will give Him all my  heart. For He alone is worthy of my praise.

Take away stuff. Take away endless knowledge and technology. Take away power. Take away money. Strip it all down and what’s left? It’s either you and God or it’s you and nothing. I choose God.

~Tracy